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| at that intersection i waited. a push,
hope for revelation, a burst of starlight.
a grinding wind
tears away at my wary heart.
starting with my feet, trembling
numbness envelops my mouth
the escaping air became foreigners to the lungs
at that interaction -- i fell
overwhelmed -- burdens crushed
and pounded on my soul
battering the coarse stones onto the floor
spoils of my heart gush out.
desperately, i reach out.
unsure of what was in my palms:
broken threads, a shattered image.
empty-handed. desperate. -- i cry out.
my voice:
a vibration between the hoarse cords mottled between saliva and dejection
a response, a refrain
ironclad affirmation
rushing blood back to my senses
cleansing the crusts within my veins
step forward,
step forward.
let it be known
in brokenness comes redemption
faithfulness banished doubt
this period, this intersection
is transition.
step forward.
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i haven't written in a while. it's safer to say it's because i wouldn't have known what to write about even if i decided to.
somewhere along the path of college i've been blinded by my ignorance and pride with overseeing so many areas in my life that went unaddressed -- i chose to remain silent. at what point would i feel adequate and right with God in order to share it with everyone else? i must have reflected dozens of times and each time i decided it wasn't the right moment to share anything. recently i have been pressed and challenged, especially on my heart to wrestle with things from my past, present, and future that i know with the assurance and teachings God has been using that i felt compelled to share.
in short:
i've been broken and humbled more these past four months seeing the reality of God in our lives. there is no doubt in my mind the power he give us and the amount of grace & mercy he shows us -- through scripture, prayer, and community -- should not wear us down or cause us to grumble, gripe, or languish in misery and sin but empowers us in every way to pour out Christ's love and mercy to one another, battling each and every spiritual force that hinders us from knowing him.
without that kind of conviction i've felt so weary and empty in my own life. for so long i've tried to live Christianity in a way that best protected my interests and kept me safe. but who, in the end, knows what's best, what's right, and what's most helpful to the kingdom of God than God himself? my lack of trust and ability to surrender bitterness, resent, frustration, anxiety, fears, worry, sins, obsessions, pride; so much of my heart crippled my spiritual walk and my ability to lead as any example of being a follower of Christ.
wrestling daily and wrapping my head around the idea of brokenness and vulnerability -- first to God, then to others (2 Corinthians 8:2-5) -- revealed to me that this revelation is all a permanent "paradigm shift;" i am compelled to proclaim God's faithfulness and wonder to those around me because of how much he has freed me from my heart's deepest chains to sinful nature.
it's been in my prayers and meditation trying to understand how reconciliation and asking for forgiveness from others should begin. for a while i thought these initiations, these actions, these things all fall on my shoulders and my hands. my wrongdoings are only meant to be brought forward and solved by my work alone. and i can only say that trying to fix things on my own, trying to fit God as a supplement to my problem solving exacerbated my failures and revealed a deeper side of sin in my heart. surrendering my relationships, friendships, even those closest to me, no matter what seasons we are in, God affirms that when he is allowed into our hearts and minds...he works powerfully even when we don't see it and it's intoxicatingly beautiful.
praise God for his neverending grace -- that he makes his presence known and teaches us silently and lovingly when we approach him in full brokenness and humility.
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgression -- it is by grace you have been saved" -- Ephesians 2:4-5
we did nothing to deserve it:
God's love extends beyond our comprehension.
we did nothing to gain it:
By God's grace and mercy he sent his only Son to redeem us, so that all who believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)
we can do nothing to repay it:
we must totally and completely surrender ourselves to God.
i concluded it's impossible to claim we have individuality and claim we are Christians. our identity and every ounce of our talents, weaknesses, and thoughts are all to be covered by Christ the moment we surrender our hearts and minds to him. it's scary, it's uncontrollable -- but the burden being lifted and Christ teaching us and making us anew is undeniably marvelous. (Matthew 11:28-30)
all praise and glory to Him.
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| what i've realized is true to me is that i've been lying to myself
for a while that i'm happy, or i'm doing things that'll make me happy.
it's actually only a white lie -- i do enjoy a lot of what i do, but i do surround myself with a lot of unhappiness.
it's funny how it takes only a weekend to realize i am a self-denying person. definitely is a battle with the mind and heart, except i think way too much to really give anything a fair chance to just "be."
and so -- thinking at a different angle, we're called children of God. not...saviors, or professionals for God. children. and, sucking every ounce of "joy" and willingness to serve, or even desire him, it not a life a Christian should have.
it's one of those things where it's cool to think about, but "application-wise" might fall short.
so i am resolving myself to pursue things not for my own self-interests -- but to avoid really sticking myself in degrading situations; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
p.s. -- time flies by wayyyy too fast. it only feels like yesterday i was still in highschool, writing on the xanga fervently to express myself =P
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| why did jen tag me...? oh well.
i liked her idea of doing 4 each. so...
sixteen shortcomings, fact, habits, and goals:
shortcomings
1. my sleeping schedule sucks. every time i try to get a good "normal" solid 8 hours of sleep per night usually turns into me going to bed way past 3AM and waking up around 2PM. my entire day feels wasted...pretty much majority of the week.
2. procrastination is the devil on my right (left?) shoulder. somehow i manage to finish doing whatever i'm supposed to do but i'm always dissatisfied with the work i put out, mainly because i procrastinate enough that i end up doing a mediocre job every single time.
3. my indecision gets the best of me. if it's something i've never encountered before...i usually flip-flop with what to do and never really get around to making a clear cut decision...this also leads to a lot of peer pressure/swaying around.
4. short temperedness. even though i try often to supress my anger/frustration, a lot of times it comes out in yelling...or harsh words...or just random silence. it doesn't go over well with anyone.
facts
1. i may like penguins A LOT, but recently i've been loving the idea of owning a dog.
2. i'm slightly a clean freak. if things don't look/smell/seem right i usually will get up and rearrange everything on my own until i'm satisfied. it's a very cathartic feeling.
3. i think i'm awkward. no matter how much people reassure me...i look in the mirror and i see just an awkward individual -- and it's pretty hard to dispel the image from my mind.
4. i love talking to people.
habits
1. i don't punctuate or capitalize when i type online (like now) -- also while we're at it i have a really bad habit of typing in fragments/spurts on AIM or any messenger...this usually frustrates whoever i'm talking to.
2. i always try to re-create things back to how they were before i used them. this goes from anything as weird as borrowing things from people to eating meals to...using people's kitchens...you name it. people may think it's like a "cleaning" thing but i think it's just a fear of not wanting to ruin anything for anyone else.
3. i constantly check/read things online. even if i run out of news articles...tv show information...movies...xangas...facebook...if i have nothing -- i'll go look for random wikipedia articles.
4. i say "i don't know" and "ugh" a lot.
goals
1. i want to have a regular working out/running schedule this semester/for the rest of my life
2. i want to be able to either beat my half-marathon time from last year...or run the full marathon this year
3. become a better photographer
4. become *slightly* more inclined to playing sports
and because i can cheat...
5. desire God even more
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tagging people?
whoever reads this...consider themselves tagged.
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| I like turtles.
--
they love editing my xanga, what can i say?
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