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| i actually laughed out loud reading some of my old posts. i felt this one was appropriate as i am graduating in 2 weeks, so...what did i choose to write 2 weeks before i started my college career?
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"2 weeks left till college.
that's a scary thought.
you can imagine from my point of view:
the life you lived for so long, junior high ---> high school, years pass in and out, but you still expect to always come home, and more importantly, always expect to go to the same group of people at church and friendliness. surrounded by what makes you comfortable most, even through the drama and problems, you still essentially work with the same group of people.
then it hits you. you have to worry about meeting new people, losing old friends, finding a future/goal, start actually thinking about God's calling for the rest of your life and even seeking for your life-time partner (ok..."wife")
and it starts...when you leave home right?
i...still think it didn't hit me yet that i'm going to be cut loose in less than 14 days to go ahead and live life as i see fit, whether i choose to keep it spiritually-oriented or if i will morph into some kind of being where i become utterly selfish for myself and do things for self-gain only.
blasphemy? yeah, probably. but you know, college presents probably the strongest form of pressure on oneself, simply because...you no longer have the comfort you found at home.
no longer are you considered in any "safe zones." see...no matter what issues you have or crap you deal with now, at least in high school, you'll always have a foundation to go to: "oh, my bf/gf ruined everything, i still have church/parents/family to turn to"
ok...that was a bad example. for many reasons. but you get the idea. you'll deal with issues and you'll always have a solid foundation.
"but mikey kim! you're a christian! your foundation should always be in CHRIST and CHRIST ALONE. He alone strengthens you and enables you to carry on."
thanks. i agree.
but if you tell me that going to college will change nothing? then....recheck your glasses. if you dont have glasses, i'll lend you a pair and you can re-check them for me.
but it's still a cool thought i think, just to be able to "flirt" with the idea of my own future, given that i don't give myself much time to reflect on what i want to do really or who i really want to be in this world.
don't be alarmed, it's not a weakening of spiritual faith or doubt (like it would matter even if it was to you), i'm just sitting away and seeing that the excitement for college really does hit late, and it'll probably hit me...a month after i go to college, i think.
so...i ask for anyone, who still has the patience to read these, or whatever, shows a remote interest in caring (i sound so negative right now, it's not you guys, it's me viewing myself) can pray for me that i'll actually consider pursuing a God-filled life where i wouldn't have to rely on the things i find tangible and just trust in Him.
that's what makes communities and people cool.
they help each other and work things out.
through the crap and the good.
there's no incentive otherwise to communicate with others, otherwise, i think.
unless you have a differing opinion." -- August 03, 2006
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so this is that scary moment where i can look at something i wrote almost 3 1/2 years ago and evaluate how much has changed since then.
have things changed? event-wise, friendship-wise, sure.
what about my personality?
i think i still have a lot of the same quirks. i still laugh at things nobody laughs at. i still struggle with coming off as being really rude or easily annoyed because i just often fail to practice patience as often as i should.
i still am learning a great deal. probably more than i thought i would back then when i tried predicting what college would do to me.
so...i think about it this way: if we cannot change ourselves, what really changed? because i look at posts and things i wrote, and i definitely feel a tugging in my heart that something causes me to disconnect with my past in fragments.
and. ha. words fail me.
God is great. <--- old me would not accept that answer.
maybe that's a good change? learning to submit myself at the mercy of God (and others, consequently) has been one of the most humbling and breaking moments, especially in this period of transition of graduating from college.
maybe i don't have much to show for my time elapsed in college as much as i'd like. i'm still single, i'm still unsure of my future, i have less friends than i did entering college...and...i've definitely have a lot more scars. do these things qualify me?
often i'm tempted to cave in. but i know that Christ has redeemed so much in my life -- it is no longer mine to judge and evaluate. i accept and praise God for things that have happened not because they were all awesome, wonderful, praiseworthy things, but because i see how much i have grown from this period. maturation -- if i dare say i have a right to utter that word to describe myself -- might be something to consider; my emotionality and ability to focus all have drastically shaped in ways that i can productively see how things in my life unfold and how i should be a lot less of a self-consumed thinker and seek Christ much more often.
but there are two big things i can take away initially from looking @ my past journal:
1. we have no control of our futures. i was so firm and set on becoming an english professor, set on pursuing certain relationships, solidifying friendships....yet so many things fell apart and did not work out, or i just found other things. seeing how i'm now pursuing the path of medicine and am reforming a lot of what was familiar to me...it's my understanding of how much God is a transformative power only when we allow him into our hearts. otherwise it's this never-ending battle between our own pride and ability to cope with what doesn't fit in our lives with what we truly (and selfishly) desire.
2. God cares about the heart. i think one dramatic change, and probably the best one, that i've been seeing happen (and i say it in present progressive; i'm nowhere near done) is that i'm learning to let go of what methods and ways i react and approach things and just try to lift it up. surrendering & being able to take a step back from my life patterns is ridiculously hard, but it's taught me a lot about community and relationships -- most importantly on how we are not called to be fully independent Christians. we are to depend on one another, not for fulfillment, but for encouragement and support -- vulnerability, mercy, and forgiveness being huge ideas within that. and for me, learning about community and relationships could not start until i was willing to let go of a lot of heart-issues i've wrestled on my own: i honestly thought by fixing them on my own first would allow me to engage with others, but i'm seeing that when we are honest with ourselves and God that we inevitability will notice how God's grace & mercy compels us to exhort and confess to one another as well.
i'm calling this moment healthy retrospection. but, also i just laughed really hard too. and became extremely embarrassed.
i don't know how to react to the 18-year old me (and that's not even that much younger...)
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| at that intersection i waited. a push,
hope for revelation, a burst of starlight.
a grinding wind
tears away at my wary heart.
starting with my feet, trembling
numbness envelops my mouth
the escaping air became foreigners to the lungs
at that interaction -- i fell
overwhelmed -- burdens crushed
and pounded on my soul
battering the coarse stones onto the floor
spoils of my heart gush out.
desperately, i reach out.
unsure of what was in my palms:
broken threads, a shattered image.
empty-handed. desperate. -- i cry out.
my voice:
a vibration between the hoarse cords mottled between saliva and dejection
a response, a refrain
ironclad affirmation
rushing blood back to my senses
cleansing the crusts within my veins
step forward,
step forward.
let it be known
in brokenness comes redemption
faithfulness banished doubt
this period, this intersection
is transition.
step forward.
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i haven't written in a while. it's safer to say it's because i wouldn't have known what to write about even if i decided to.
somewhere along the path of college i've been blinded by my ignorance and pride with overseeing so many areas in my life that went unaddressed -- i chose to remain silent. at what point would i feel adequate and right with God in order to share it with everyone else? i must have reflected dozens of times and each time i decided it wasn't the right moment to share anything. recently i have been pressed and challenged, especially on my heart to wrestle with things from my past, present, and future that i know with the assurance and teachings God has been using that i felt compelled to share.
in short:
i've been broken and humbled more these past four months seeing the reality of God in our lives. there is no doubt in my mind the power he give us and the amount of grace & mercy he shows us -- through scripture, prayer, and community -- should not wear us down or cause us to grumble, gripe, or languish in misery and sin but empowers us in every way to pour out Christ's love and mercy to one another, battling each and every spiritual force that hinders us from knowing him.
without that kind of conviction i've felt so weary and empty in my own life. for so long i've tried to live Christianity in a way that best protected my interests and kept me safe. but who, in the end, knows what's best, what's right, and what's most helpful to the kingdom of God than God himself? my lack of trust and ability to surrender bitterness, resent, frustration, anxiety, fears, worry, sins, obsessions, pride; so much of my heart crippled my spiritual walk and my ability to lead as any example of being a follower of Christ.
wrestling daily and wrapping my head around the idea of brokenness and vulnerability -- first to God, then to others (2 Corinthians 8:2-5) -- revealed to me that this revelation is all a permanent "paradigm shift;" i am compelled to proclaim God's faithfulness and wonder to those around me because of how much he has freed me from my heart's deepest chains to sinful nature.
it's been in my prayers and meditation trying to understand how reconciliation and asking for forgiveness from others should begin. for a while i thought these initiations, these actions, these things all fall on my shoulders and my hands. my wrongdoings are only meant to be brought forward and solved by my work alone. and i can only say that trying to fix things on my own, trying to fit God as a supplement to my problem solving exacerbated my failures and revealed a deeper side of sin in my heart. surrendering my relationships, friendships, even those closest to me, no matter what seasons we are in, God affirms that when he is allowed into our hearts and minds...he works powerfully even when we don't see it and it's intoxicatingly beautiful.
praise God for his neverending grace -- that he makes his presence known and teaches us silently and lovingly when we approach him in full brokenness and humility.
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgression -- it is by grace you have been saved" -- Ephesians 2:4-5
we did nothing to deserve it:
God's love extends beyond our comprehension.
we did nothing to gain it:
By God's grace and mercy he sent his only Son to redeem us, so that all who believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)
we can do nothing to repay it:
we must totally and completely surrender ourselves to God.
i concluded it's impossible to claim we have individuality and claim we are Christians. our identity and every ounce of our talents, weaknesses, and thoughts are all to be covered by Christ the moment we surrender our hearts and minds to him. it's scary, it's uncontrollable -- but the burden being lifted and Christ teaching us and making us anew is undeniably marvelous. (Matthew 11:28-30)
all praise and glory to Him.
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| what i've realized is true to me is that i've been lying to myself
for a while that i'm happy, or i'm doing things that'll make me happy.
it's actually only a white lie -- i do enjoy a lot of what i do, but i do surround myself with a lot of unhappiness.
it's funny how it takes only a weekend to realize i am a self-denying person. definitely is a battle with the mind and heart, except i think way too much to really give anything a fair chance to just "be."
and so -- thinking at a different angle, we're called children of God. not...saviors, or professionals for God. children. and, sucking every ounce of "joy" and willingness to serve, or even desire him, it not a life a Christian should have.
it's one of those things where it's cool to think about, but "application-wise" might fall short.
so i am resolving myself to pursue things not for my own self-interests -- but to avoid really sticking myself in degrading situations; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
p.s. -- time flies by wayyyy too fast. it only feels like yesterday i was still in highschool, writing on the xanga fervently to express myself =P
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| why did jen tag me...? oh well.
i liked her idea of doing 4 each. so...
sixteen shortcomings, fact, habits, and goals:
shortcomings
1. my sleeping schedule sucks. every time i try to get a good "normal" solid 8 hours of sleep per night usually turns into me going to bed way past 3AM and waking up around 2PM. my entire day feels wasted...pretty much majority of the week.
2. procrastination is the devil on my right (left?) shoulder. somehow i manage to finish doing whatever i'm supposed to do but i'm always dissatisfied with the work i put out, mainly because i procrastinate enough that i end up doing a mediocre job every single time.
3. my indecision gets the best of me. if it's something i've never encountered before...i usually flip-flop with what to do and never really get around to making a clear cut decision...this also leads to a lot of peer pressure/swaying around.
4. short temperedness. even though i try often to supress my anger/frustration, a lot of times it comes out in yelling...or harsh words...or just random silence. it doesn't go over well with anyone.
facts
1. i may like penguins A LOT, but recently i've been loving the idea of owning a dog.
2. i'm slightly a clean freak. if things don't look/smell/seem right i usually will get up and rearrange everything on my own until i'm satisfied. it's a very cathartic feeling.
3. i think i'm awkward. no matter how much people reassure me...i look in the mirror and i see just an awkward individual -- and it's pretty hard to dispel the image from my mind.
4. i love talking to people.
habits
1. i don't punctuate or capitalize when i type online (like now) -- also while we're at it i have a really bad habit of typing in fragments/spurts on AIM or any messenger...this usually frustrates whoever i'm talking to.
2. i always try to re-create things back to how they were before i used them. this goes from anything as weird as borrowing things from people to eating meals to...using people's kitchens...you name it. people may think it's like a "cleaning" thing but i think it's just a fear of not wanting to ruin anything for anyone else.
3. i constantly check/read things online. even if i run out of news articles...tv show information...movies...xangas...facebook...if i have nothing -- i'll go look for random wikipedia articles.
4. i say "i don't know" and "ugh" a lot.
goals
1. i want to have a regular working out/running schedule this semester/for the rest of my life
2. i want to be able to either beat my half-marathon time from last year...or run the full marathon this year
3. become a better photographer
4. become *slightly* more inclined to playing sports
and because i can cheat...
5. desire God even more
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tagging people?
whoever reads this...consider themselves tagged.
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